Gottman talks about “soft startups”…. and from this… the idea is that the way a fight begins can predict how it ends. And I see it. When I come in hot, it puts us both on edge. She gets defensive. I get louder. We stop listening. The fight stops being about the thing that hurt, and starts being about how we’re hurting each other now.

I’m not trying to win arguments anymore. I’m trying to win trust and respect. I’m trying to protect the connection while still being real about what’s bothering me.

Once again… that means slowing down. Taking a breath before I bring something up. Talking about what I am feeling, instead of what she’s doing.