I woke up exhausted and hurt because of our fight and our current situation making it difficult to make up. This feeling doesn’t go away, no matter how much I try to shake it off.. Until we make up properly. I didn’t sleep well. My body was aching, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it…

Training today was brutal. It was hot… my body was feeling it and I was there, but my mind kept drifting back to you. More than hot and tired, I was frustrated and angry… but more than anything, I felt this deep sadness. Because even though I was pushing through everything physically, emotionally I just missed you. = Missed feeling like we’re on the same side.

And I kept thinking about everything you’re going through too… like the stress of preparing for your interview. How hard it must be. How alone you must feel sometimes. And the guilt just hit me. Guilt for how I’ve hurt you before. Guilt that instead of lifting you up, I’ve been part of what’s weighing you down. I want to make it better.

I thought therapy today might help and that it may bring some clarity or at least give us a starting point to heal. But it didn’t. It was the opposite. I saw how the therapist made things worse for you, how misunderstood you felt… how you walked away feeling even more hurt. That made me furious. You deserve so much better. Not some crazy therapist… We need someone who listens to you, sees you. And in that moment, I just hated that anyone made you feel taken advantage of like that.

After all that… I’m here, writing this, because I honestly don’t know what else to do with all these feelings. I’m worn down. I’m overwhelmed. I feel like we keep trying, and yet somehow we end up in the same place where we hurt each other..

But I’m not giving up. Please know that. All I want is to be your home. I want us to be safe in each other… not afraid.

I love you. I miss you. And I believe in us.. even on the days like today when everything feels like it’s breaking.

V/r,
I